Why don’t scientists trust atoms anymore? Because they make up everything!
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on many levels.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
I would tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
Why was the belt arrested? It was holding up a pair of pants!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks!
Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity? Because they’re too shellfish.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed!
I told my wife she was acting like a flamingo. She had to put her foot down.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
Why was the broom late? It swept in.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a watermelon.
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have tiny ant-bodies.
Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded someone to talk to.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the pony get sent to his room? Because he wouldn’t stop horsing around.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why don’t ants get sick? They have tiny ant-bodies.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Why don’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.
What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
Why can’t you trust an elevator? It’s always up to something.
How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
Why was the math teacher late? She took the rhombus.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You’d think it’s R, but it’s the C.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks? In case he got a hole in one.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little wine.
Why don’t cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music.
Why did the man get hit by a bike every day? He was stuck in a vicious cycle.
Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded? People are dying to get in.
Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crumby.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
How does a train eat? It goes chew chew.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Why did the photo go to jail? It was framed.
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.
Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on many levels.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
Why don’t skeletons fight? They don’t have the guts.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it.
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest.
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make some liquid assets.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.
What’s a tree’s favorite drink? Root beer.
How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
What do you call a watch with a belt? Waist time.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room? The living room.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a singing banana? A bunch of tunes.
Why did the crab never share? Because it was shellfish.
Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the music teacher go to jail? She got caught with sharp notes.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying? You rocket.
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
What did one hat say to the other? Stay here; I’m going on ahead.
Why did the teddy bear skip dessert? Because it was stuffed.
What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Why don’t shrimp share their treasure? They’re a little shellfish.
What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.
Why don’t ducks tell jokes? They’d quack up.
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
What did the tree say to the wind? Leaf me alone.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands!
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Why did the gardener plant a light bulb? He wanted to grow a power plant.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What do you call a group of unorganized cats? A catastrophe.
How do cows stay up to date? They read the moos-paper.
Why did the smartphone break up with its charger? It found someone more compatible.
What do you call a grumpy snowman? A meltdown.
Why did the musician get locked out of his house? He left his keys on the piano.
Why don’t candles ever get good grades? They’re always burnt out.
What did one snowflake say to the other? You’re one of a kind.
How do you make a lemon laugh? Tickle its zest.
Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out.
Why don’t clowns ever get sick? They have funny bones.
What’s the favorite exercise of ghosts? Deadlifts.
Why was the belt arrested? For holding up trousers.
Why did the calendar apply for a job? It wanted to get a date.
Why don’t stairs tell secrets? Because they always have steps.
Why did the baker get so many friends? He was a real kneady person.
What’s the best way to throw a birthday party? Just cake it.
How do trees access the internet? They log in.
Why are mushrooms great comedians? They know how to crack spore jokes.
What do you call a fancy fish? So-fish-ticated.
Why do chickens avoid libraries? They hate bookworms.
What’s a cat’s favorite song? Three Blind Mice.
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It just needs time to chill and dill.
Why did the barber win the race? He knew all the short cuts.
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.
Why don’t penguins get into arguments? They don’t want to ruffle feathers.
Why did the vacuum cleaner break up with the rug? It was too clingy.
Why don’t ghosts go on vacation? They can’t handle the daylight.
How does a lion greet other animals? Pleased to eat you.
Why don’t elephants use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
Why are snakes such great storytellers? They have good tails.
Why did the skeleton start a band? He had great rhythm.
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? Boo-berry pie.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They’re always stuffed.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
Why don’t bicycles stand alone? They’re two-tired.
How do you organize a party in space? You planet.
Why did the belt go to school? To get a waist of knowledge.
Why are mountains so good at jokes? They’re hill-areas.
What’s a frog’s favorite soda? Croak-a-Cola.
Why did the pencil break? It couldn’t handle the pressure.
What’s a baker’s favorite type of music? Rolling tunes.
Why did the fish go to Hollywood? To become a starfish.
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? They have good soles.
How do cows send secret messages? In moorse code.
Why don’t vampires go shopping? They hate getting discounts.
What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
Why did the chicken join a band? To beat the drumsticks.
Why don’t ice cubes ever get into arguments? They just let it slide.
How do birds get in shape? They do tweet-ups.
What do you call a tired bull? A bulldozer.
What’s a snail’s favorite sport? Shell racing.
Why don’t ghosts like rain? It dampens their spirits.
Why did the tomato join a gym? It wanted to ketchup on fitness.
What’s a cat’s favorite video game? Meow-rio Kart.
How do you make a goldfish laugh? Tell it a fin-tastic joke.
Why do bees hum? Because they don’t know the words.
What’s a pirate’s favorite exercise? The plank.
Why are spiders great at the web? They have excellent sites.
Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their quack.
What did the shoe say to the annoying sock? Stop being such a heel.
Why did the clock get promoted? It had great timing.
How do trees get online? They branch out.
Why are bananas never lonely? They hang out in bunches.
What’s a snake’s favorite school subject? Hiss-tory.
Why did the ghost become an actor? He was a natural at boo-ing.
How does a snowman pay for things? With cold, hard cash.
What’s a dentist’s favorite time of day? Tooth-hurty.
Why don’t you ever fight a skunk? Because they have a great scent of humor.
What’s an owl’s favorite drink? Hoot beer.
How do cows relax? They listen to moosic.
Why don’t frogs do well in school? They croak under pressure.
Why was the broom late? It swept in.
What do you call a fish that can’t swim? A floater.
Why are vampires so easy to fool? They always have a bite.
How does a penguin fix its house? Igloo it together.
Why do elephants never forget? They have big memories.
Why did the jellybean refuse to share? It was jelly-ous.
Why did the moon get straight A’s? It’s always full of brilliance.
Why do ants never get lost? They have GPS (Great Pathfinding Skills).
What’s a dog’s favorite part of the day? Paws and relax.
Why don’t stars go broke? They always shine.
Why did the cookie join the army? It wanted to be a tough cookie.
Why did the scissors win the race? They were cut out for it.
How does a train stay fit? It tracks calories.
What do you call a lazy bear? Un-bear-ably relaxed.
What’s an artist’s favorite drink? Paint shaker.
Why are snakes so great at math? They’re sssuper at counting.
Why don’t vampires ever complain? They don’t have the guts.
How does a dog repair a broken heart? With fur-giveness.
Why did the bee sit on the keyboard? To write a buzz letter.
Why do elephants wear sneakers? To stomp softly.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite type of music? Hip-hop.
Why do pigs love mud? It’s their spa treatment.
Why did the goat become a comedian? It had goat jokes.
How does a parrot learn new words? It wings it.
What’s a chicken’s least favorite day? Fry-day.
Why are comedians so rich? They have great stand-up investments.
What’s a banana’s favorite gymnastics move? The splits.
Why don’t flowers argue? They just grow on each other.
How do you make a lemon smile? Give it a squeeze.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? Because they don’t have the guts!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!
Why did the computer go to therapy? It had too many Windows open!
Why was the cell phone so polite? It always had good reception!
What does a hacker do in the shower? He installs a new plug-in!
Why did the smartphone break up with the charger? There was no spark!
Why did the web developer go broke? Because he cleared his cache!
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
Why don’t vampires like Taylor Swift? Because she has bad blood!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!
What’s the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy!
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!
Why was the math teacher suspicious? Because he was always calculating!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
Why couldn’t the leopard hide? Because he was always spotted!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory!
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me!
Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out!
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer!
Why did the music teacher go to jail? Because she got caught with a high note!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain!
Why did the belt get arrested? Because it was holding up pants!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Why don’t trees use social media? Because they don’t like logging in!
Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted liquid assets!
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels!
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison!
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose!
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador!
Why couldn’t the astronaut book a hotel on the moon? Because it was full!
Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker? Because he was outstanding in his field!